Friday, November 02, 2001

theres so many things going on inside my head right now...so many voices lol...and i have the feeling this is going to be a 'stream of conciousness' type of flow, so bare with me...after the first few lines, you'll get the hang of it..promise.

i feel i must first talk about what has been taking up a fair amount of my ram memory...that is...my active thinkie parts of my brain...and i suspect its the same thing that has been taking up everyones time and thought over the last several weeks...and im not talking about it to dredge up painful memories for anyone, but only to say whats been running inside me that i havnt put into words anyplace else yet...so while you may have heard some of it before, you havnt heard it from me, so its fresh =)
sept 11th has created a very peculiar time for me...i have another addition to my list....i think we all have this list...its a personal, private list that each of us keeps...a list that we can share with the rest of america, hell....with the rest of the people on this planet, although we hardly ever share it publicly...i now have 3 things on my list...3 things that happened to people that i dont know, affected people i have never met (and probably never will)...3 things that have nothing to do with me personally but have nonetheless changed at the very least my perspective on life....that list has a title too....'where was i'
the where was i list...like i said...everybody has one...not everything on one persons list is on nebody else's...but we all share at least a couple topics on it...
the first entry to that list was made before i knew i had one....it was made in 1981...when i was 9 years old, and president regan was shot. i was at home, talking to a friend of mine on the phone and watching a soap opera....i remember being mad at first cuz the news broke in..interupting my soap...and they said that he had been shot
the second entry was made again when i didnt know i had a list..i dont remember what year right now..but i was in 8th grade, in science class, and i had just gotten up to throw something away into the trashcan...and the principal came on over the intercom and said that the space shuttle had exploded shortly after liftoff
and now i have a third entry...sept 11th, 2001....except this time, i know im making this list...and this time i know it will be on it....and just what it means....i had just woke up....and my answering machine indicator light was blinking..i hit the button, rubbed my eyes and yawned, and heard my mom tell me to get out of bed and turn on the tv, the world trade centers were exploding or something...end of message...2nd message, my mom again....get out of bed, kathleen...the world trade centers have collapsed...i stared at the machine for probly about 10 seconds, and then kind of shrugged it off...not really understanding it...i went to the bathroom, got a drink, sat down and lit a cig....then turned on the tv....
and my world changed...not because this directly affected me.....and not because i am any more emotionally intune than anyone else...i cant really explain it, but if you're nodding right now, i guess i dont have to.
i went into the bedroom and practically kicked gary out of bed, telling him to get up...that someone flew planes into the trade towers...that they were gone...thousands dead...
we spent the next 10 or so hours in front of the tv..mostly watching cnn but occassionally changing to fox news, local broadcast, cnn headline, etc...it was everywhere....it was even on mtv...live reports....live shots...live eyewitness interviews...the video of a doctor running down a street, then hiding behind a car repeating 'i hope i live i hope i live i hope i live' as the dust cloud that followed one of the towers collapsing overtook him. then they started finding new angles of the plane hitting the second tower...and one thing that gary and i noted as we watched them with a warped kind of fascination...'they arent censoring anybody' people were screaming, and crying, and worrying, and helping, and being human....and swearing.....fuck, shit....shit, fuck....and none of it was censored...we thought maybe finally news orgs understood that adults were watching....and maybe we could handle hearing a few swear words thrown in after just watching 2 landmarks come crashing to the ground, taking thousands of people with them (this didnt last, however...by the next day, the obligatory bleeps were in place)
then they showed the first plane...caught by chance not because hundreds of cameras were already trained on the first tower because it was engulfed in flames, but because someone was filming a commercial or something and just happened to be there..happened to pan up...happened to see the first instant in a new world
and then it got worse....not thinking it was possible, but knowing that it was...we watched as film crews shot footage of people jumping out of the buildings...turning end over end as they fell to the earth, somehow thinking that would be a better way to die than being burned alive...sometimes they just fell....sometimes the camera was zoomed in so close you could see that it was a woman not a man, because she had on a skirt...sometimes they jumped together...and held hands until the end
then...several hours later, another building collapsed..luckily it was evacuated so no additional lives were lost
and something struck me....maybe it happened because im older...maybe it happened because this is the first huge disaster ive lived during that ive been with someone...but whatever the reason...it happened..i got scared...the images of people falling were replaced by the image of gary falling...the numbers flooding out of various sources of missing and presumed dead were replaced by the thought of gary being there...being caught in it...somehow being there...and then it went even further...
i felt pain...sorrow....confusion...regret...anger....and i cried...i couldnt stop crying...for several days i cried...i cried out of fear for myself and my loved ones...i cried in anger, and sorrow for the people who actually HAD lost someone..or who had been lost
then...being who i am...the laughter had to come....i think that people learned to laugh because if they didnt..it would be 2 much...the jokes started..the doctored photos appeared online...and we started to return to 'normal'(whatever that means)
and now it seems neverending....anthrax is spreading like mad across the country....and while i know that a couple cases in a handful of states doesnt seem like the black plague of the 21st century, i do believe it is related and i do believe it is speading uncontrollably.
how can i justify this belief? by asking a simple question....in the last several weeks maybe half a dozen people have died from anthrax...and im not sure how many other people were exposed....and all u have 2 do is watch any news channel for five minutes and you hear all about it in depth....so the question is...

before sept 11th, in your WHOLE LIFE....how many times did you see reports of anthrax on the news?

while there is much more to say on this subject, ive said all i care to for the moment....so now im moving on

im getting older...
im going to be 30 in a little over 4 months....and it hit me tonight that ive just now realized it....i mean....obviously im aware of the passage of time...i know im aging...i know the years are piling up...but what i mean is...for the longest time, ive been getting older but not really feeling it...o sure physically i feel it lol....but..mentally...emotionally...i didnt
the only notice i paid to my yearly progression is that people of a certain age (ie teenagers) get on my nerves more quickly and more often than ever before, so i figured i must be, because thats how people felt about me at that age lol
but tonight i realized it, was able to get my mind around it..able to identify it as something tangable (sp?) and im also able to classify it
i am becoming a sensative, emotionally healthy, mature woman
i rented the johnny carson best of the tonight show tapes from work this week...and they showed a clip of bette midler singing to johnny on the last show...and i found myself crying...not sobbing uncontrollably, but just crying softly...feeling the emotion of the moment, of the situation, understanding that emotion, and feeling comfortable with it....and that got me thinking..thats been happening more and more lately...by lately i mean the last 4 or 5 years.....o sure, ive always cried at movies when a dog or a child dies...or anyone dies for that matter (if its a drama..if its a shoot'em'up action picture, im telling the guy to reload faster)...but thats a different kind of emotion..thats an oh my god that caught me totally by surprise, how sad, whats for dinner? kind of feeling....something you dont really identify with, but its sad, and it triggers those emotions within you, and you physiologically respond.
but this was different...i FELT it..like...deeply...i guess u would say. and i must admit, i am so happy.
for the longest time, even tho im an incredibly emotion, sensative person (shaddup gary) i was also extremely closed off....the saddness of a situation would strike me, and i would respond appropriately...but it never touched me...never made that emotion become a part of me....and lately it has
i think ive become -gasp- well adjusted
and i do believe that it is due, in no small part, to my relationship....being here, and with gary, has brought out truly the best in me...im almost happy with me..ive started to feel my worth as a person...started to realize that im better than the people who would only seek to hurt me...know that if someone does hurt me, it is not something i deserved
at the risk of sounding self serving and egotistical...i realize that im a pretty terrific person....that people in some cases are better for having known me...i guess you could say gary is my clarence (ref it's a wonderful life, rent it)
so yes, im getting older...and i couldnt be happier about it...thank you to everyone who has touched my life, and improved it, even in the smallest way...thank you to everyone who has taken the time to get to know me, and felt good about that decision, it has meant more to me than you know..thank you all for your contributions to my life, it would be lacking something without them
and thank you for taking time out of your day to take this trip with me today i hope it was as worth it to read as it was to write =)
4 more days honey....4 more days and itll be 3 years.... i cant wait for the next 3 ....and all the days after
all the love my heart can hold goes to you....you are my light....you are my salvation...and i still adore you
11/2/2001 05:28:36 AM | immortalize me | 21 comments

okay...well this blog is still active...and oddly enough, i actually have something to say...and hey..its only taken me 4 months to come up with something....if youre here...well that tells me you care...so...get comfy, im grabbing a fresh pack of smokes and a full can of soda..i suggest you do the same....what is to follow is, im afraid, going to be long....so if you don't have the time, close it, and come back when you do...it will be a long read, but definately worth the time youll spend joining me inside my mind
11/2/2001 04:35:55 AM | immortalize me | 21 comments

testing
11/2/2001 04:32:24 AM | immortalize me | 21 comments