Saturday, February 16, 2002

lol@i just looked at that and noticed i have a message board....lol...i never used it....don't bother clicking it, its broke =\
2/16/2002 05:02:33 AM | immortalize me | 21 comments

EXACTLY ONE MONTH TIL MY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

can u register for your birthday?
2/16/2002 04:56:21 AM | immortalize me | 21 comments

ok so what 2 say what 2 say...hmm...i cant think of much 2 say =\
shaddup gary =)
i guess i have really not much of anything 2 bitch about....im happy...gary and i are happy...mostly ;)
seriously tho, i can't imagine being in a better place mentally then where i am....im tired as hell most of the time, but my mind is strangely quiet...which i don't think has EVER happened...no discontent (with the exception of the ever present shitty job), no overwhelming sense of doom...just a strange sort of ....well being..is that one word or 2?

i did do something strange yesterday(friday) tho...my mom called, and i was glad she did because for some reason earlier in the am i got this crazy idea in my head and was wanting to talk to her very badly about it. for whatever reason, i started thinking back 2 when i lived in michigan...while there i made the incredibly stupid decision 2 try and kill myself....suicide note: check....swallowing anything and everything in the house that was swallowable drugwise: check....i ended up in the emergency room with a tube down my nose getting pumped full of liquid charcoal (not an experience i recommend btw) and about an hour after i threw up for the last time, in through the curtain walked my mother...i only remember that she was there...i have no crystal clear recolection of the conversation or what her face looked like or any of that stuff one would assume would be burned forever into my memory..i think i asked her if i was going to be arrested cuz i had heard somewhere that attempting suicide was against the law...but that's it
well...while i was thinking about this, for the first time maybe ever that i can remember, i started thinking about it from everyone else's perspective...and i was somewhat horrified....i never said that i was sorry to her
my mom is not exactly the touchy feely kinda mom....that's ok, i know she loves me, it's just not in her. we went thru kinda the same stuff in childhood as far as parental relationships and where it made me an exceptionally loving, VERY touchy-feely kinda person, it did the opposite for her...she keeps everyone at arm's length as a matter of protection i guess...so i guess in the initial experience of everything that happened, i never gave much thought 2 the fact that maybe the thought and sight of her only daughter laying in a hospital bed with what she described as the faintest remnants of charcoal on her lips after having just attempted to take her own life could have potentially been very disturbing for her...i can only begin to try and imagine what something like that would have been like for me 2 have to go through..realizing that no matter how hard you may try in your own way to protect your offspring, you can't be there all the time, watching over them etc....
so when she called yesterday, one of the first things that i said to her was that i was sorry....sorry for having put her thru that, for having worried her....well hell, since im emailing her the address to this site so she can see tabby's picture, she's probably reading this right now...
hi mom...
again....im really very sorry for doing that 2 you....not because it seems very selfish only thinking of myself etc....but just for having made you feel maybe less of a good mom or whatever....like maybe that you failed or something.....fyi...u didnt fail you did the best that you could with what you had 2 work with i mean lets face it i wasnt exactly a peach...i think you did alright..mighty fine in fact
i love you =)
2/16/2002 04:52:20 AM | immortalize me | 21 comments

Tuesday, February 12, 2002

well i have errors...i dunno why i have errors but i have errors.....i hate bein retarded
2/12/2002 02:03:00 AM | immortalize me | 21 comments

ok so this is how its gonna be for a lil while neway.....i took down the links cuz prolly more than half of em were wrong anyway and they are on the links page so its kinda pointless 2 have them here....ill get a proper entry in at some point, although when i dunno and about what i have no idea...but right now its gettin kinda late and im tired so there ya go....
2/12/2002 01:40:42 AM | immortalize me | 21 comments

picture?
2/12/2002 01:36:45 AM | immortalize me | 21 comments

testes color testes
2/12/2002 01:26:22 AM | immortalize me | 21 comments

putting up background...
2/12/2002 01:15:09 AM | immortalize me | 21 comments

erasing links....
2/12/2002 12:52:24 AM | immortalize me | 21 comments

Monday, February 11, 2002

load up the truck, we're movin' to beverly...hills that is....

swimmin' pools....movie stars....
2/11/2002 08:31:43 PM | immortalize me | 21 comments