Wednesday, May 01, 2002

ok just to warn everybody who may not want to read content like this...this is gonna be about dead ppl (i see dead ppl)

i saw my first dead person today...
i have never been to a wake, or a funeral...so i've never seen an actual dead person before...i know that sounds odd in this day and age and the fact that im 30 n all. but its true...for various reasons, all relatives i've had die i havnt been there for their funerals or anything. but on saturday night, my old boss died. he was 44, not that old, but very very sick...had diabetes really bad and saturday nite he came home from work, laid down on the couch for a nap, and never woke up...

his name was jeff, and it's no secret that i wasnt really very fond of him...but i found out something when i learned that he had died...seems i actually WAS fond of him...who knew?...i started cryin n everything...i din say more than 2 words on the way home from work on sunday (which as anyone who knows me knows is unusual). it was like it hurt to speak....like just the effort of it was 2 much for me 2 handle. i guess it's closer to the truth to say that i didnt like working for him...but he was an okay guy...really sorta nice actually. so anyway...in my adult life, besides grandparents, this is the first time that i have known someone who died...so i decided if my schedule permitted, i was gonna go to the wake, and to the funeral...well, my schedule does permit, so this afternoon i went to the mortuary to pay my respects to the family...i felt like a total schmuck, cuz i had to go to work right after, so i had to wear my stupid uniform which totally sucked..i walked in the door and this older lady looks up at me and goes "blockbuster's here." turns out it was jeff's mother-in-law. i introduced myself, apologized for my attire, and said how sorry i was for their loss, etc...
i then made my way into the viewing area, where there wasnt more than maybe 7 or 8 people, noticed the signin sheet, wrote down my name, etc, then looked to my left. there at the end of the room, was the casket, which was open, and laying inside it, was jeff.
it's true what they say, from that distance it looked like he was just there sleeping. just then his wife came toward me, supported by some family member or friend and she looked at me without recognition and then down at my nametag (which for the first and last time made me glad i was wearing my uniform). i took her hand, told her that i had met her about 2 years before and that i worked with jeff at his store around that time. i dont really remember what she said to me, because i found my eyes drawn over her right shoulder to fix on the casket once again. i said something to her, i have no idea what, and then noticed that there was no one up there just then, so decided it was time for me to go and see him. i walked very ...VERY...slowly up to him and looked down.

it was weird...very very weird. anyone who has been to one of these things will probably know what im talking about here, or maybe not cuz we all know how sick and twisted i am...but i swear 2 god i had the distinct feeling that he was gonna just turn, open his eyes and smile at me.."Just kidding!!"...then i started thinking that he was gonna look at me without moving his head and just wink...it occurred to me suddenly that he didn't look at all like he was sleeping...when someone is sleeping there is still a certain level of "animation" to them...im not talking about the raising and falling of the chest with breath...im talking about something else...something that makes them look...well, alive. and that wasnt there...i looked at his hands and they didnt look real, then i looked back up to his face and my mind being what it is and trying to put a handle on the situation suddenly infused his face with some sort of 'reality' and i was suddenly absolutely convinced that yes, at any moment, he was gonna look at me and get that big smile on his face and say "hey kiddo!" like he always did whenever i saw him or called him on the phone. then i came as close as i have ever come in my life to passing out...as soon as i was convinced of, and scared shitless of, all the things that he was sure to do in the next 5 seconds, my knees went all wiggly and i thought 'omg im gonna pass out...this room full of strangers, of people i have no idea who they are and who don't know me...people who knew this man for years and are not having any problems staying on their feet..they are gonna see me drop in front of this casket. there's no one here to catch me, and even if there was, they prob'ly wouldnt be able to' then of course my logical part of my brain who had been reeling all this time finally woke up, and said 'i hafta get the fuck out of here right now' which i did, i went outside and had a smoke. the worst part was, nobody was there from work yet, so i didnt know one single person...there i was sitting there with my goddamned uniform on surrounded by people (who were honestly just the nicest group of folks you could ever meet under such icky circumstances) i didnt know and i couldnt leave...i had to wait for a girl from work to get there because she is taking me to the funeral tomorrow and we needed to iron out the details. i ended up leaving before she got there anyway cuz i had to get to work...the funeral is at 10am...she'll be here at 830...and i will NOT be wearing my friggin uniform dammit!
5/1/2002 02:18:31 AM | immortalize me | 21 comments