I’ve been holding off on writing about this because...well screw it. My husband is much more private than I am. The way I see it, I’ve spent the better part of my life hiding from any and everyone and thing. I don’t want to do it anymore and so for the most part I don’t. I write about what I want to write about and screw the consequences.

However, I know and understand that Gary is much more guarded about letting people in and letting anybody else know how and what he feels. So it’s for that reason that I haven’t written about this before. But then, last night, in his own words, he ‘exposed his soft underbelly’ so it’s open season as far as I’m concerned :P

I want a baby. I want a baby so bad that I’ve become one of those people you see in the movies and you can’t help but think to yourself, “There aren’t really people like that out there...are there?” I’ve been obsessing about it for the past 2 months. 2 months may not seem like a long time but think of it in terms of minutes, which is about how often I bring it up. My husband has in the past stated his position on the whole baby issue. Well, boys and girls, that just wasn’t good enough for me...

I’ve been very unfair to Gary in the last few weeks and I’m the first to admit that and will trip over myself apologizing for it (and believe me, I have). But I really can’t help it. I’m 34 years old. I’ll be 35 in just a 3 and a half months. My biological clock is not only ticking...it has jumped off the headboard and has been chasing me around the house, out the door, and down the street like the clock in that McDonald’s commercial. It mostly started when Gary’s sister got married and that whole mess with his kids took place.

It is my firm and unwavering belief that he got completely and thoroughly screwed by his ex when it came to being a father. He was not afforded the opportunity of participation in the decision making process and when the first baby finally arrived, she did a complete 180 on him and turned into the psychopath that we all know and loath today. One thing that I cannot understand about a certain segment of my fellow woman is that whole ‘I can change him’ mentality that they seem to have when choosing (or in this case capturing) a mate. If you are not happy with the person he is today, what makes you think you’ll be happy with the person he is tomorrow...or the person you FORCE him to be? It is one thing if the experience of being with you makes him WANT to change things, but to expect him to be molded like so much silly putty that you can squish onto the face of your Sunday Funnies so that he becomes a mirror image of you, or of the man you want him to be...well that is just ridiculous. She did not know him, did not care to find out about the things she didn’t know, and just expected him to be all the things she wanted him to be. When that didn’t happen, she ended their relationship.

Then the second baby came along and because he’s a stand up kinda guy (aww...tear) he tried to make it work a second time. But it was just more of the same and finally it was over for good. This is where the REAL screwing happened. She takes every opportunity afforded her to try and remind him that he’s a piece of shit, she uses the boys against him to try and make him feel guilty, and she manipulates them into thinking and feeling things that are obviously not coming directly from them.

Yes, I want a baby. But more than it just being ME that wants a baby, I want Gary to see how truly wonderful having a baby can be. How amazing the experience can be when 2 people who love each other, who KNOW each other and are happy with each other create something together. And I want him to see what a wonderful father that I already know that he is. Neither one of us was lucking enough to have a stable family unit growing up. Sure, we had Cleaveresque moments here and there but overall it wasn’t like that. I personally think that all the fear and doubt that he has about us having a child stems from not only his family life growing up, but the experience he was unfortunate enough to have when it was his turn to have his own family. He’s afraid that what happened with him and his ex will repeat with us. He’s not entirely convinced of it but there’s that little voice in his head, the same voice that’s in all of our heads that we give way more weight to than is warranted, that is babbling incessantly in an attempt to scare the bejesus out of him. Sure, he’s worried about all the other “normal” stuff...money, day care, money, raising it right, money, home and car, money....you know...(money)...real stuff. But honestly, if everybody thought about that stuff before they had kids, the human race would die out because nobody would ever reproduce.

I think, after his post yesterday and our subsequent conversation this morning, that we’ve reached a sort of understanding about the whole thing and we’re just gonna “see what happens”...not TRY to have a kid so much as stop trying NOT to.

And a little good flowing mojo never hurt anybody so if you’re reading and are so inclined, say a little prayer that he’s got strong swimmers and that when one of them comes-a-knockin’ my egg isn’t on the crapper and answers the door...