The world's got a funny way of turning 'round on you
When a friend tries to stab you right in the face
Losing faith in everything I thought I hoped I knew
Don't sweat it, {it was} set on false pretense

Betrayed but not gonna be willing to change
And it doesn't seem likely to fade
Betrayed but not gonna be willing to change
Cu-cu-cu-cuz you know...

It's sacrifice
False pretense you'll hurt again
Stop pretending to deny
False pretense you'll hurt again

All along you know you thought you got the best of me
{But} you were wrong and I'm laughing right in your face
I cannot believe you claimed you were my family
Don't sweat it - it's set on false pretense

Betrayed but not gonna be willing to change
And it doesn't seem likely to fade
Betrayed but not gonna be willing to change
Cu-cu-cu-cuz you know...

It's sacrifice
False pretense you'll hurt again
Stop pretending to deny
False pretense you'll hurt again

Oh, it's time to let it go

I can't seem to understand it how you turned out to be so cold
You tried but were caught red handed, are you happy with your role?
It's funny to me how you've turned into such a joke...

It's sacrifice
False pretense you'll hurt again
Stop pretending to deny
False pretense you'll hurt again

So play the game until you run out
And play the game into my hand


Once there was a time when we could learn
all the simple pleasantries a follower should yearn
now all that I can do is watch them burn
and wish that I could save them all, or just one

See the Fake, everyday shaking hands of men, promising the end.
Hear Him Speak of all the things that we need to hear, to adhere

Justify, your secrecies that surmise your cries
I see the way you look around the bend
is it going to end, when?

The visions that I've seen have left me torn
between the resurrection and the prophecy unborn
I think that I will document the fall
and say I hate to say it
but I told you all..

See the Fake, everyday shaking hands of men, promising the end
Hear Him Speak of all the things that we need to hear, to adhere.

Justify, your secrecies that surmise your cries,
I see the way you look around the bend
is it going to end, when?
Justify, your secrecies that surmise your cries,
I see the way you look around the bend
is it going to end, to end?

Your side, choose wise
your side, choose wise
your side choose while you can.

Justify, your secrecies that surmise your cries
I see the way you look around the bend
is it going to end, when?
Justify, your secrecies that surmise your cries
I see the way you look around the bend
is it going to end, to end, end?
When you change your mind is it going to end?


Isn’t it funny how a song can sum up everything we want to say, everything we’re feeling, everything we hope to convey to someone else? Words on paper set to music by people we will never know, never meet, probably never have a single bit of influence in their lives can touch us on such a personal level.

That’s right boys and girls....The Blog Hermit is back, and she’s as mad as hell.......and she’s not going to take this anymore. She’s also been disturbingly quiet so if you’ve surfed on over this way because something alerted you to this post and you just wanted to see what’s up.......do yourself these few quick favors. Go to the bathroom, get a drink, possibly a sammich. Make sure you have a full pack of smokes if you are so inclined because this, my friends, is gonna be a gusher. And it’s gonna be a long one.
Ok.....back? kewl....here we go.

I fucked up. Bad. REALLY REALLY bad. I did the one thing that someone who is married should never EVER do. I had an affair. It started out as these things always do, not exactly innocently but certainly not with the intent of direction that it ended up going into. My husband ended up finding out about it because, as I’ve always known, he’s smart...and a resourceful little fucker. We almost got divorced. But we didn’t. 10 years is a long time to be with someone. Especially long considering the way we met, online, in a chat room, and (sight unseen) moved in together after only 6 months. People along the way tried to warn me, part of me wanted to listen. But the part of me that had laid dormant for so long only saw the good in it, only saw the ‘I want’ in it. And that was the part of me that was, at the time, in control. I cannot undo what happened. I can only learn from it and attempt to move on. And I have. More importantly, WE have. Just as before, when the roles were reversed and it was him who fucked up, we moved past it, learned to love each other again, remembered what it was we had found and so nearly lost.

But.....that is not the reason for this post, simply an introduction into the tailspin that my headspace has taken over the course of the last 48 hours or so. You see, I had the opportunity to play catch up with a friend on Saturday. And during this conversation, she pointed out something to me that, while I should have known it, it never really occurred to me. One of those things, like a rock in your shoe, that has your attention but never fully grabs your consciousness until you take off the shoe and see the rock come tumbling out onto the floor.......I had one of those ‘holy shit’ moments.

You see...my husband and I have been out of work since December 1st of last year. In the storm that was raging within our marriage, we attempted to blindly find each other again, cling to each other to stay afloat, and it worked. However, in order to accomplish this, we both needed at least one day where all we saw was each other, all we knew was us. So we took that one day. Thursday, November 29th, 2007 to be exact. Except that it wouldn’t work out exactly as we planned. We both called in sick that Thursday morning because, as we clung to each other for survival, we received two stunning assaults to the peace we were trying to find with each other. First, we found out that my husband’s mother had a possible aneurism in her brain. Then, almost on top of this, we found out that his sister was in the hospital being prepped for intestinal surgery.

That’s right boys and girls. In the space of less than 24 hours, we nearly lost each other, his mother, AND his sister. So we took turns, I called my place of employment and he called his, said that we would not be in that day but would go in the following day, Friday. Fate had already set in motion events that would alter our world in ways that, as it turned out, were completely out of our control.

I’ll not keep you in suspense for too long. His sister made it through the surgery just fine and, while not an aneurism, his mother does have a fairly serious condition which is blocking a high percentage of the blood flow to her brain. They are both still with us, and we are still with each other. Friday morning came, my husband drove me into work. And after about 20 minutes, came and picked me up. I had been fired. We came home and found out that he had been fired as well. His job was a temp job so his termination was not altogether unexpected. Mine, however, was.

I’ll backtrack a bit though and play devil’s advocate for just a moment. In August, I had been put on a performance probation for attendance. Warned that if I called in sick again in the next 3 months there was a possibility that I would be terminated. I called in sometime in mid-October and received a phone call at home from my then supervisor saying that it would be in my best interests to come into work or risk losing my job. So I came in, late, but still there. Stayed late to make up the time I missed (not all in that day but over the course of the rest of the week). The 90 day probation period ended by the time I called in on that Thursday. But when I came in that Friday, and was taken into a conference room with my then supervisor and department manager, that October call-in was mentioned and I was informed that my services for the company would no longer be required, that I was, as of Thursday, terminated.

I should have expected it right? Should have known, should have seen it coming. But, honestly, I did not. Yes I knew I was on shaky ground. Yes I knew that the possibility of termination was there. But, in my infinite naivety, I thought that I’d be given a chance to explain my situation, illustrate the events that unfolded that day to lead to me calling in sick. I’d spent almost a year with these people and, in the case of the department manager, been a source of (in my eyes) strength, guidance, friendship and support while she struggled to manage her own personal life in the aftermath of her own divorce and attempt at rebuilding her life.

I’d also been a confidant.

I think that was the biggest mistake I made.

Now comes the part that all you conspiracy junkies will REALLY dig your teeth into. If you’ve come this far, hold tight boys and girls, because it’s about to get rocky.

Earlier I made mention of a phone conversation I had with a friend of mine on Saturday. We had a chance to catch up, laugh, etc. And then she made mention of something that had completely escaped me, something I should have seen from the beginning but did not. Why didn’t I see it? Well.....maybe because I’m too trusting, to willing to believe that people are what they present themselves to be. If someone presents themselves as my friend, I take it at face value. But what I forgot to think about is that, ultimately, most everyone is looking out for number 1. What I didn’t realize is that, while they had every justification for terminating me based upon my attendance, there might have been ulterior motives behind it. A reason for the unwillingness to go the extra mile for ‘a friend’ and find out WHY I called in that Thursday, if it was perhaps justified, if they’d be willing to work with me because of it.

You see.....I knew a secret. A BIG one. And because I knew this secret, I was perhaps viewed as more of a liability than ‘they’ were willing to tolerate. Even though up to this point I had given no signs of telling this secret, people were nervous, perhaps even scared. And maybe someday I would tell this secret. So they made sure all their I’s were dotted and t’s crossed, all their ducks were in a row. And I became another casualty on the list of people in the department that knew this secret. In addition to my friend revealing this to me, she also made me understand that more people than I thought knew this secret. And guess what. They are not there anymore either. Whether outright terminated, or pushed out of the department, slowly but surely, people in a position to do so are weeding out anyone and everyone who might threaten them because of the knowledge about one little thing.

What is this one little thing, you ask? Well.....since I’m not there anymore and since, in the 3 months since my termination, the parties involved have not even attempted to show their supposed friendship by even offering me the support of a ‘I’m here for you if you need me’ email, text message, or myspace blip, I have no bones about now sharing this secret.

It is, as it almost always is, about sex. And who is doing it with people they shouldn’t be doing it with. At least not in the context of the fact that one party is a department manager and the other party is......well......not. Yup.....that’s right. A romantic relationship developed between a manager and someone who reports directly to them. At the time it began of course this was not the case. The department manager was not at the time the department manager, just another supervisor, albeit a level higher, but still just a supervisor. But then the department manager got promoted, the other person got a promotion and a raise, and the department started to go in the shitter. Not in terms of production or quality of work mind you, but in terms of personal relations.

Crack-downs were made in the way that employees spent their free time, break time, even unpaid lunchtime. It was dictated who could and could not take lunch together, when breaks could and could not be taken and who could and could not take them together, etc. The noose was tightened. I have my own theories as to the purpose and motivations governing these actions. And of course I was not privy to the ‘management’ side of things so all I really have are my own opinions. But it’s my feeling that the department manager felt they had something to prove, be it to us, the peons, or to the ‘higher ups’ that put that person in the position they found themselves in. They found themselves on a patch of ice and attempted to correct, inadvertently overcorrected, and plowed smack into a tree.

So, dear readers (if you’re still with me) this is where I find myself today. Utterly crushed at the thought of the possibility of what was done to me in the name of self-preservation. And of course it can be denied, it can be attempted to be explained away. But after the countless hours I spent as an empty vessel filled to the brim with the outpouring of emotion that a certain someone needed to send my way, after the friendship I extended and the help I offered to get them through, to help and support them.....to get none of that back in return when I so obviously needed it, well that my friends tells me all I need to know.

Look out for number one, boys and girls. If you don’t.....you just wind up being someone else’s number two.