October 2006 Archives| Tuesday, October 31, 2006 |
I was never what you would call a “joiner” when I was younger. It wasn’t because I didn’t want to be or thought I was too cool or anything like that. It was mainly because I wasn’t what you would call “popular” either. It wasn’t that I thought I was too cool...it was that everybody else thought I wasn’t. So I never got invited to parties or anything like that and I certainly wasn’t the type to get a phone call on a Friday night asking if I was doing anything and if I wanted to hang out.
It was perhaps for these reasons that when a girl I knew from school showed up at my door one night that I was skeptical and had my doubts as to her motivations. My mom and I were living in New Jersey with her then boyfriend and we’d only been there for a few months. I didn’t really know anybody very well and so when this girl who I knew casually from riding the bus with her came knocking on my door the night before Halloween of 1987 and asked me to join her and her friends for a little Hell Night mischief, I was too busy being in shock to think twice about it.
I’m not sure where my mom and her boyfriend were but they weren’t home. I said that I would love to and we went out and began to create a little havoc around the neighborhood. Nothing too major, but we had all the stock that a teenager out to cause trouble the night before Halloween needs; toilet paper, eggs, shaving cream and liquid soap. I think we did more damage to each other than any local property and the entire event only took about 90 minutes or so...mostly it took that long because we spent 10-15 minutes at a time hiding behind cars making sure we weren’t seen and giggling incessantly.
I came home after with shaving cream and dirt in my hair and an egg down the front of my shirt, took a shower, and got to the business of reveling in the afterglow of my “Belongingness”. About 20 minutes after I was done washing up, there came a knock on my door. 2 of the girls I had been out with were standing on my porch, pillows and overnight bags in hand. Apparently somebody had called somebody and somebody else had said that I was having a sleepover at my house. I don’t think my mom and her boyfriend were home yet and I remember standing in the darkened kitchen with the door open and the light from the porch streaming in, giving the ancient linoleum covering the kitchen floor an unnatural glow. I told them that they were mistaken, that there was no sleepover and they just sort of shrugged and walked away. I closed the door and stood in that dark kitchen trying to figure out what had just happened.
Tomorrow at work we are having a Halloween party. I’ve got my costume. I’ve practiced my make up. I have a pretty good idea what I’m going to do with my hair if it (and the weather) cooperates. I have started making friends there. I know that I “belong” and that everyone who I’m friends with will be happy to see me. I’ve even made fudge (6 fucking pounds of fudge). But whenever I go into an event like this, I’m reminded of those days in my youth. The always wondering if the joke is on me. The always being sure that as soon as I leave the room, the snickers will start. The feeling that I’m always out of place, just on the fringe, and that everyone out of earshot is asking themselves and each other, “What is she doing here?”
To this day, I’m not sure if those girls were playing a joke on each other, or trying once again to have a laugh at my expense. I’m a grown up now. I’m supposed to be confident. But I’m wondering if the feeling of being the butt of everyone else’s joke will ever truly go away.
Happy Halloween everyone. I hope that whatever your plans are work out for you and that you have a wonderful day. :)
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DO YOU SNORE?
Unfortunately yes, but not as bad as I did a year ago I don't think
ARE YOU A LOVER OR A FIGHTER?
I'll smack my bitch up when the situation calls for it.
WHAT’S YOUR WORST FEAR?
That I'll die without having left something of myself behind.
AS A KID, WERE YOU A LEGO MANIAC?
No...I could never make anything that looked like anything.
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF “REALITY” TV?
Agree with my husband here...most of it sucks but there is just something about the hair pulling booty drama of Flavor Of Love that sucks me in (and I've pulled Gary in after me)
DO YOU CHEW ON YOUR STRAWS?
Not usually.
WERE YOU A CUTE BABY?
I dunno if I was a cute baby, but I was a fucking adorable toddler.
IS THE SINGLE LIFE FOR YOU?
No way. I hate even going grocery shopping alone.
WHAT COLOR IS YOUR KEYBOARD?
Is cigarette smoke a color? I'll bet they have it in the big crayola box with the sharpener in the back.
DO YOU SING IN THE SHOWER?
Yes.
HAVE YOU EVER BUNGEE JUMPED?
No, but I want to.
ANY SECRET TALENTS?
I make sure to whore myself out as much as possible so any talents that I have are not secret.
WHAT’S YOUR IDEAL VACATION SPOT?
Someplace with crystal clear blue/green water and smooth sandy beaches.
CAN YOU SWIM?
Like a fish.
HAVE YOU SEEN THE MOVIE DONNIE DARKO?
I've seen the cover of the box...
DO YOU GIVE A DAMN ABOUT THE OZONE?
The ozone thing is a conspiracy drummed up by the people who want to kill Bin Laden.
HOW MANY LICKS DOES IT TAKE TO GET TO THE CENTER OF A TOOTSIE POP?
I bite so I wouldn't know.
CAN YOU SING THE ALPHABET BACKWARDS?
No, but I should probably get on that in case I get pulled over and given a drunk test.
DO YOU PREFER ELECTRIC OR MANUAL PENCIL SHARPENER?
Electric. Makes me feel like a god.
WHAT’S YOUR STAND ON HUNTING?
Is that a pun? Hunting stand? Those things that rednecks put up in trees and then get drunk and fall out of?
IS MARRIAGE IN YOUR FUTURE?
It's in my current so I certainly hope it's in my future.
DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
Sometimes. But sometimes even I can't read it.
WHAT ARE YOU ALLERGIC TO?
Suave soft highlights shampoo. Of course that was like 20+ years ago so maybe not anymore.
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAID, “I LOVE YOU” ?
I think yesterday....
DO YOU CRY AT WEDDINGS?
Oddly, I didn't cry at my own. I cried at my sister-in-law's though. Just like a little bitch.
HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS?
Sunny side up.
ARE BLONDES DUMB?
There's dumb everywhere...you just have to know how to avoid it. Or how to be witty to make fun of it.
WHERE DOES THE OTHER SOCK END UP?
Usually under the couch covered in cat hair.
WHAT TIME IS IT?
7:43am.
DO YOU HAVE A NICKNAME?
I used to have a couple but they were made up and used by someone who as far as I'm concerned can rot in hell. So no. The answer to that is no.
IS MCDONALD’S DISGUSTING?
I know I should say yes but I just can't bring myself to do it. Big macs are teh yum and I think I'd probably rob a bank for their fries.
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WERE IN A CAR?
Last night. We went to best buy so I could feed my Sims addiction. You can make the cats use the toilet! I even got a picture!
DO YOU PREFER BATHS OR SHOWERS?
Mostly showers for time reasons but now that I can actually fit in the bathtub without needing an extra bottle of liquid soap to grease my ass up so I can get in and out I like baths too.
IS SANTA CLAUS REAL?
I think if enough people believe in something, that makes it real. I think the "idea" of Santa and what it inspires in people can be very real.
DO YOU LIKE TO HAVE YOUR NECK KISSED?
Oh my god yes. "He touched my neck and my pants fell off!"
ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DARK?
Not really.
WHAT ARE YOU ADDICTED TO?
Not too much anymore I don't think. Just cigarettes.
CRUNCHY OR CREAMY PEANUT BUTTER?
I like both but crunchy hurts my jaw.
CAN YOU CRACK YOUR NECK?
Ick. Yuck. Blech!
HAVE YOU EVER RIDDEN IN AN AMBULANCE?
Just once and it sucked.
IS DRUG FREE THE WAY TO BE?
I certainly wouldn't want to have surgery without them.
ARE YOU A HEAVY SLEEPER?
Not really but I probably sleep better now than I used to.
WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR EYES?
Brown....brown and boring.
DO YOU LIKE YOUR LIFE?
For the most part I do. There's one thing that I wish was different about it but it looks as though that isn't going to change. Wait...2 things but I don't see us winning the lottery any time soon so neither of them are likely to change.
ARE YOU PSYCHIC?
I think so but I can't solve murders or anything. A couple of years ago I had a dream about something and that night it came true. In disgustingly sad specificity.
HAVE YOU READ CATCHER IN THE RYE?
No, I don't like cook books.
DO YOU PLAY ANY INSTRUMENTS?
I can play a mean skin flute.
HAVE YOU EVER STOLEN MONEY?
I plead the 5th
CAN YOU SNOWBOARD?
I've never tried it so I don't know if I can or not.
DO YOU LIKE CAMPING?
Yeah, it's ok.
DO YOU SNORT WHEN YOU LAUGH?
Only if something strikes me as REALLY funny or if I'm not paying attention.
DO YOU BELIEVE IN MAGIC?
Not the saw-a-girl-in-half kind of magic but I believe that there's natural magic all around.
ARE DOGS A MAN’S BEST FRIEND?
Man's best friend (and the only one he should be concerned with) is man's wife.
YOU BELIEVE IN DIVORCE?
I believe in doing what makes you happy as long as it doesn't hurt someone else so if you're not happy and divorce would make you happy then yes, I believe in it.
CAN YOU DO THE MOONWALK?
Why the hell would I want to?
DO YOU MAKE A LOT OF MISTAKES?
NO!
IS IT COLD OUTSIDE TODAY?
I dunno. It looks nice...it's sunny. But I don't know what the temperature is.
WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
Strawberry cheesecake from burger king. I was hungry, it was there, I have no other food and it's healthy....milk...cheese...eggs...fruit...and the crust. All 5 food groups represented tyvm.
DO YOU WEAR NAIL POLISH?
Sometimes but not lately. (And Gary totally lied. He's wearing Petal Pink right now.)
HOW MANY PEOPLE DO YOU LIKE RIGHT NOW?
Hmmm....well, I like my husband, my mom, my MIL, SIL and BIL, most of my coworkers, uh...maybe like a couple dozen?
WHAT’S THE MOST ANNOYING TV COMMERCIAL?
They all kind of tie for first. Except the subway commercial where he screams "EAT THE SANDWICH!!". That shit cracks me up.
DO YOU SHOP AT AMERICAN EAGLE?
I thought we already established that I'm not into hunting.
FAVORITE SONG AT THE MOMENT?
There's a couple by Evanescence that I am really into right now.
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| Saturday, October 28, 2006 |
I did a run through of my halloween make up today...came out pretty good but I think I'll use more white next time...
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I found out that some coworkers of mine have myspace pages so I was looking at them. Then out of boredom (or that damn bug up my butt), I decided to poke around with the search and plugged my high school in.
Yah...people you haven't seen in 20 years take one of two roads. Either they are completely different, or....exactly the same. There doesn't seem to be any gray area there. All I kept thinking about while I was looking at various pages was that movie Sweet Home Alabama and the scene when Reese walks into the local bar and sees all the people she went to school with and how they are still there...in the bar. More than half the people who I found that I remember from school who have posted pictures on their pages....have posted pictures of themselves in, yup-you guessed it....bars. I mean wtf people I know it’s a small town but is there really nothing better to do with your 34 year old lives than sit in the local watering hole and get plastered?? They are all still in the same places they were over a decade ago. How sad.
I also found my sister’s myspace page. I haven’t talked to her in quite awhile because her phone has been disconnected and I’m pretty sure she probably moved back in with my dad. So of course I requested an add (how sad is it when you have to REQUEST to be added to your own sister’s myspace page and then WAIT for a response?!) and laid a little healthy dose of guilt on her before going on my merry way. I truly am my mother’s child.
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| Wednesday, October 25, 2006 |
Today is October 25, 2006. Is this a special day for you? Is it a special day for someone you know? It is for me. One year ago today, I had my rebirthday. On October 25, 2005 I had gastric bypass surgery. When I went in for surgery, I weighed 377. At my highest I was at 384. I just got on the scale. As of today, October 25, 2006 I weigh exactly 220.
220. Two Twenty. Two Hundred And Twenty Pounds. To some of you, that may still seem like a lot and make no mistake I would like it to be less than that. But for me to be at 220 after being almost 400 just one year ago, it makes me want to cry. But good cry, not bad cry. I weigh less today, at 34 years old, than I did when I was 15. When I was a freshman in high school, I weighed 250. My lowest I ever got down to was 198, and that was for about a year when I was a junior in high school. It really is quite amazing. I’m going to start by revealing my ‘wish list’. This was a list that I made out in May of last year. Things that I hoped having the surgery would do for me. Presents, if you will, that I ‘wished’ for.
1) Tie my shoes by just bending over while still standing.
I can do this, although I don’t do it often because I rarely wear sneakers anymore
2) Sit cross-legged in a chair
I haven’t tried this, but if my chair at work didn’t have arms and my legs weren’t so long I’ll bet I could do it.
3) Cross my legs
In a chair, on the bus, on the couch, on the side of the bed. I can even tuck one leg up under me in my chair at work and sit on my foot.
4) Sit on the bus comfortably wherever I want without worrying if someone will sit next to me or at least try to
This has turned out to be a blessing and a curse. I don’t care if people sit by me anymore but most people it turns out would rather sit on me because they can’t seem to tell just by looking that their ass will not fit in the teeny space between me and the person next to me.
5) Use the stairs (sometimes anyway…I really do like the elevator :P)
Seeing as I work on the 12th floor now, using the stairs isn’t really an option anymore. But climbing the stairs at home isn’t even an issue.
6) Be comfortable in my work chair
As I said before, I can tuck one leg under me and sit that way so yes...I’m comfy.
7) Be comfortable in the car
It’s like we took the car back and got bigger seats. I can even cross my legs in the car.
8) DRIVE the car
I haven’t done this yet but only because I still haven’t gotten my license. But I plan to next year though.
9) Not worry about whether or not I ‘look’ fat when I walk
I sometimes do a double take because it doesn’t look like it’s me.
10) Not have to launch myself off the couch whenever I get up
I’ve actually done this a couple of times when I wasn’t paying attention and nearly fell over the coffee table. It’s amazing how much easier it is to get up when there isn’t 160+ extra pounds pulling your ass back toward the earth.
11) Take a shower without becoming intimate with the shower curtain
The shower curtain and I decided to just be friends. I haven’t seen it in months. (that looks like I’m saying I don’t shower anymore)
12) Be able to wrap a bath towel around me AND tuck it in
I can’t tuck it in yet, but I can wrap it around me to walk back out into the house if I forgot my new bottle of soap or something in the closet.
13) Let my husband see me naked
This hasn’t happened yet either but it’s mostly because of the nasty side-effect of rapid, massive weight loss. Torment, thy name is SKIN.
14) Curl up in bed with the Sunday paper and actually curl up
I haven’t curled up with a Sunday paper yet, but I can curl up in bed quite nicely now.
15) Squat without intense pain or embarrassment
I haven’t actually had to squat too much I don’t think...must try this soon.
16) Run and play with my cats
I’ve done this quite often although living in a small(ish) apartment, the whole ‘running’ thing isn’t exactly doable. But I play with them now though.
17) Run and play with my husband’s kids
A couple of months ago when we had the kids over for the weekend, we all went and played baseball at the park. I didn’t do too much running, but I did run to catch up with Gary, actually RAN!, and it was nice standing on a ball field in the middle of the day with the sun shining and not feel like I was going to pass out into the pool of my own sweat as it formed around my feet.
18) Run and play with my husband
Not much running....but lots and LOTS of playing.
19) Take a walk
Did that....not great...but not bad either.
20) RUN….anywhere
See Number 17
21) Sit in a booth in a restaurant
I did this on our anniversary. We went to Denny’s and for about half a second I was terrified as I sat down that I wouldn’t fit, or that it would hurt again. I had so much room it wasn’t even funny and now, if I sit in a booth, I can look down and see the seat in between my legs.
22) Be able to take a shower and rinse myself without the aid of a fire hose
I can reach everywhere I need to without straining or stretching or hurting myself.
23) Be able to take a bath and not cause a damn to build up water behind me
I’ve actually only taken one bath in the last year that was in a regular tub and that was just this weekend. If my legs weren’t so long, I’d have been able to lay down comfortably but as it is, if I lay down, my heels practically touch my butt because I’m too damn tall.
24) Shave my legs without getting winded
My legs are not the only things that it’s suddenly a whole bunch easier to groom.
25) Look down from a standing position and see my feet
I even sometimes wave and say hello
26) Be comfortable in my own skin, even if it is loose
Yah...not yet.
27) Have a purse with a strap for my shoulder that doesn’t always fall off because my hip sticks out too far
At the moment I’m carrying a bag that my lovely SIL gave me as a present for being in her wedding (she’s so sweet) and it only has handles but I did have a purse with a strap and it never falls off my shoulder.
28) Not have an extra place to stash money or keys behind my elbow
Ha...I forgot I was so witty...and so fat. My arms aren’t nearly as big as they were and while I don’t have a fold there anymore, I still sadly do not have a bone there either.
29) Collar bones!
OMG Do I ever!! I sometimes catch myself just rubbing them... “yust for fun.”
30) Having a wedding ring that isn’t 3-4 sizes bigger than my husband’s
I still have the same rings but I’ve had to resort to wrapping a band aid around them so they don’t fall off.
31) Not so pudgy hands/fingers
Not only are they not pudgy...when I got fake nails for my SIL’s wedding, my hands looked down right shapely and svelte.
32) Having space between my thighs to hold a cup while in the car (I’ve always wanted to do that and never have been able to)
I totally do. I also have space between my legs when I sit down...I can see daylight!
33) Being able to bend over and pick up something I dropped without grunting or getting the mental image of how big my ass must look to those standing behind me
I don’t even think about it anymore. I just bend over and get it. I’m able to bend and straighten so quickly that that helps take some of the ‘image’ issues out of it. It’s not like I’m going in slow motion capture or anything anymore.
34) Shopping in normal stores for normal clothes
The same day that we played baseball with the kids, we went to target and I bought 3 shirts and 2 pairs of shorts. Granted they were mens clothes but they totally fit me and they weren’t even in the ‘husky’ section!
35) The possibility that my husband’s coat might some day fit me well enough that if it’s cold, I can borrow it
I haven’t tried his coat on yet...maybe I should.
36) Being sexy
I haven’t felt sexy yet but hopefully next Tuesday I will
37) Being pretty
I felt pretty at my SIL’s wedding. That was a good day.
38) Getting rid of at least some of the pain in my ankles, heels, knees and other joints
The pain in those areas has been replaced by pain in my back and butt from sitting. I have no more padding and/or I’m sitting on excess skin so it makes my tailbone kill when I stand up and my back hurts because I can actually sit sort of slumped over because my stomach isn’t in the way anymore.
39) Seeing cheek bones again
You can actually tell when I’m wearing blush by more than just the doll like shading below my eyes.
40) Having less chins than a Chinese phone book
Done and done but now I need to get rid of the turkey neck I’ve sort of developed.
41) Being the same size front to back as I am side to side and having that be a GOOD thing
I think now I’m wider side to side than I am front to back and that works too.
42) Not wanting to become part of the wall when skinny girls invade my ‘bubble’ by standing in the same place as me on a smoke break
I smoke with one of the skinniest girls I have ever known now and aside from the fact that she’s my friend so it doesn’t really bother me all that much, I don’t notice the HUGE difference in our sizes that I would have before.
43) Being happy about taking pictures and liking the way I look in them
I still haven’t seen the pictures from SIL’s wedding but hopefully I look ok in them.
44) Going to an amusement park and being able to ride on something besides the Ferris Wheel
As I shared with all of you back in June/July, I totally did and it was the best thing EVER!!
45) Going ice skating
We have this planned but haven’t actually done it yet. But I feel normal enough that I won’t mind falling.
46) Riding a bike
I haven’t done this yet.
47) Play golf
We played mini golf with the kids a few weeks ago and aside from the fact that Ryan and I got bored toward the end, I didn’t mind it at all. Once again...I felt ‘normal’. I even drove a go kart.
48) Not have my legs/feet/arms/hands fall asleep when I sit in my chair at work
My foot falls asleep now but it only happens when I’ve had my legs crossed too long and cut off the circulation.
49) Not frowning when I catch my reflection in a mirror
Nope...not a one.
50) Not having to use the handicapped stall in the bathroom because it’s bigger than the other regular stalls
The only time I use the handicapped stall now is if all the other stalls are taken.
Not bad for one year....
Next week is Halloween. I’m going to dress up for work. I bought my costume in a regular costume store and while it may be a ‘plus size’ costume, it was still from a regular store and it FITS!! I’m looking forward to dressing up and having people think I look good....
Hope everyone has a wonderful day!
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Make that 219.6
If I stay sick, I could be below 200 by Halloween....am I wrong to be happy about that??
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Being sick sucks ass. I started getting sick last week and it went into full blown bitchy overdrive this weekend. The aforementioned sucky plateau I've been on forever is but a distant memory though, so I guess there's something to be said for germs. I was bouncing between 228-230 on Friday morning. This morning...221.4
Yes, I've lost over 7 pounds in three days. That's because I can't eat anything. My sinuses or whatever are draining into my lil' pouchie. Since my lil pouchie is so small, it's full of nasty germy byproducts and it thinks that whenever I eat anything I'm trying to overeat. Consequently everything I eat comes back up again. Except cheese. I don't seem to have a problem with cheese sticks. Of course I'm out of cheese sticks until hubby gets home from work. And I called in sick today because since I can't eat anything I'm all dizzy and tired and junk. Plus, even though my pouchie thinks it's full, my body knows I haven't eaten anything so I constantly feel like I need to throw up. Sick if I don't eat, sick if I do...ahhh...life is grand.
I'm gonna go lay down now
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| Tuesday, October 17, 2006 |
I guess it’s time for my monthly post...I guess.
I know that nobody reads this anyway so I might just as well go all out.
I’m pissed as fucking hell. At what? Who the fuck knows. The world in general...Yah, sure I have my little islands of happiness contentment in a seemingly endless sea of annoyance but they are fewer and further between lately.
I know about all the shit that I should be thankful for, like my health, my home, my husband, my job, my financial pseudo-stability, blah blah fucking blah *insert jerkoff motion here* but I just can’t psyche myself up enough lately to give a shit about any of it. I suppose that walking into a Halloween costume shop tonight and walking out empty handed not because they didn’t have anything that fit me but because they didn’t have anything I wanted is island enough to put something like a smile on my face, and it does to a certain extent, but it just makes me pissier.
I had to take a ‘mental health day’ on Friday because I woke up and just could not handle the thought of dragging my emotionally haggard ass out of bed at 5am to go to work. Ok, one thing I *am* thankful for is that I have a very cool supervisor. I called her up and I was like “Look, I’m not going to lie to you. I’m not sick. I feel fine. But I just cannot handle work today.” And she was totally cool with it, said “no problem, it’s good you didn’t lie. We all need days. See you Monday.” And that was that. No guilt trips, no “you know, you need to set an example.” Or “You know, this was your last vacation day. You need to watch your time off.” Just simple understanding.
So yah, that’s another little island. One with a palm tree.
And a coconut.
But I’m still pissy as hell. I would say “And I’m Not Going To Take It Anymore!” but seriously what’s the point? Like I’m really going to do anything about it. My middle name is Passive Aggressive. Maybe I’ll hyphenate it and put it on my ID.
So what am I so pissed about? Well...I’m pissed off that even after losing 160 pounds, I’m still “technically” obese. I’m pissed off that I’ve been on a fucking plateau for what seems like forever. I’m pissed off that according to the stupid fucking BMI chart that I looked at today, a “normal” weight for me is considered to be 136. Are you fucking kidding me?! I’m 5’11”. 136 on me would be ridiculous. I’m pissed off that it takes me an hour to eat a fucking piece of pizza, or anything else for that matter. I’m pissed that when my stomach is upset, the only thing that really makes me feel like I don’t have to throw up is chocolate. Seriously. If I feel like I’m going to throw up, I eat a piece of chocolate and I’m fine. What.The.Fuck.
And I’m REALLY pissed off about one other thing but it isn’t going to do anything but start a fight by saying anything about it so I’m not going to bother.
Fuck a doodle doo.
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