The world's got a funny way of turning 'round on you
When a friend tries to stab you right in the face
Losing faith in everything I thought I hoped I knew
Don't sweat it, {it was} set on false pretense

Betrayed but not gonna be willing to change
And it doesn't seem likely to fade
Betrayed but not gonna be willing to change
Cu-cu-cu-cuz you know...

It's sacrifice
False pretense you'll hurt again
Stop pretending to deny
False pretense you'll hurt again

All along you know you thought you got the best of me
{But} you were wrong and I'm laughing right in your face
I cannot believe you claimed you were my family
Don't sweat it - it's set on false pretense

Betrayed but not gonna be willing to change
And it doesn't seem likely to fade
Betrayed but not gonna be willing to change
Cu-cu-cu-cuz you know...

It's sacrifice
False pretense you'll hurt again
Stop pretending to deny
False pretense you'll hurt again

Oh, it's time to let it go

I can't seem to understand it how you turned out to be so cold
You tried but were caught red handed, are you happy with your role?
It's funny to me how you've turned into such a joke...

It's sacrifice
False pretense you'll hurt again
Stop pretending to deny
False pretense you'll hurt again

So play the game until you run out
And play the game into my hand


Once there was a time when we could learn
all the simple pleasantries a follower should yearn
now all that I can do is watch them burn
and wish that I could save them all, or just one

See the Fake, everyday shaking hands of men, promising the end.
Hear Him Speak of all the things that we need to hear, to adhere

Justify, your secrecies that surmise your cries
I see the way you look around the bend
is it going to end, when?

The visions that I've seen have left me torn
between the resurrection and the prophecy unborn
I think that I will document the fall
and say I hate to say it
but I told you all..

See the Fake, everyday shaking hands of men, promising the end
Hear Him Speak of all the things that we need to hear, to adhere.

Justify, your secrecies that surmise your cries,
I see the way you look around the bend
is it going to end, when?
Justify, your secrecies that surmise your cries,
I see the way you look around the bend
is it going to end, to end?

Your side, choose wise
your side, choose wise
your side choose while you can.

Justify, your secrecies that surmise your cries
I see the way you look around the bend
is it going to end, when?
Justify, your secrecies that surmise your cries
I see the way you look around the bend
is it going to end, to end, end?
When you change your mind is it going to end?


Isn’t it funny how a song can sum up everything we want to say, everything we’re feeling, everything we hope to convey to someone else? Words on paper set to music by people we will never know, never meet, probably never have a single bit of influence in their lives can touch us on such a personal level.

That’s right boys and girls....The Blog Hermit is back, and she’s as mad as hell.......and she’s not going to take this anymore. She’s also been disturbingly quiet so if you’ve surfed on over this way because something alerted you to this post and you just wanted to see what’s up.......do yourself these few quick favors. Go to the bathroom, get a drink, possibly a sammich. Make sure you have a full pack of smokes if you are so inclined because this, my friends, is gonna be a gusher. And it’s gonna be a long one.
Ok.....back? kewl....here we go.

I fucked up. Bad. REALLY REALLY bad. I did the one thing that someone who is married should never EVER do. I had an affair. It started out as these things always do, not exactly innocently but certainly not with the intent of direction that it ended up going into. My husband ended up finding out about it because, as I’ve always known, he’s smart...and a resourceful little fucker. We almost got divorced. But we didn’t. 10 years is a long time to be with someone. Especially long considering the way we met, online, in a chat room, and (sight unseen) moved in together after only 6 months. People along the way tried to warn me, part of me wanted to listen. But the part of me that had laid dormant for so long only saw the good in it, only saw the ‘I want’ in it. And that was the part of me that was, at the time, in control. I cannot undo what happened. I can only learn from it and attempt to move on. And I have. More importantly, WE have. Just as before, when the roles were reversed and it was him who fucked up, we moved past it, learned to love each other again, remembered what it was we had found and so nearly lost.

But.....that is not the reason for this post, simply an introduction into the tailspin that my headspace has taken over the course of the last 48 hours or so. You see, I had the opportunity to play catch up with a friend on Saturday. And during this conversation, she pointed out something to me that, while I should have known it, it never really occurred to me. One of those things, like a rock in your shoe, that has your attention but never fully grabs your consciousness until you take off the shoe and see the rock come tumbling out onto the floor.......I had one of those ‘holy shit’ moments.

You see...my husband and I have been out of work since December 1st of last year. In the storm that was raging within our marriage, we attempted to blindly find each other again, cling to each other to stay afloat, and it worked. However, in order to accomplish this, we both needed at least one day where all we saw was each other, all we knew was us. So we took that one day. Thursday, November 29th, 2007 to be exact. Except that it wouldn’t work out exactly as we planned. We both called in sick that Thursday morning because, as we clung to each other for survival, we received two stunning assaults to the peace we were trying to find with each other. First, we found out that my husband’s mother had a possible aneurism in her brain. Then, almost on top of this, we found out that his sister was in the hospital being prepped for intestinal surgery.

That’s right boys and girls. In the space of less than 24 hours, we nearly lost each other, his mother, AND his sister. So we took turns, I called my place of employment and he called his, said that we would not be in that day but would go in the following day, Friday. Fate had already set in motion events that would alter our world in ways that, as it turned out, were completely out of our control.

I’ll not keep you in suspense for too long. His sister made it through the surgery just fine and, while not an aneurism, his mother does have a fairly serious condition which is blocking a high percentage of the blood flow to her brain. They are both still with us, and we are still with each other. Friday morning came, my husband drove me into work. And after about 20 minutes, came and picked me up. I had been fired. We came home and found out that he had been fired as well. His job was a temp job so his termination was not altogether unexpected. Mine, however, was.

I’ll backtrack a bit though and play devil’s advocate for just a moment. In August, I had been put on a performance probation for attendance. Warned that if I called in sick again in the next 3 months there was a possibility that I would be terminated. I called in sometime in mid-October and received a phone call at home from my then supervisor saying that it would be in my best interests to come into work or risk losing my job. So I came in, late, but still there. Stayed late to make up the time I missed (not all in that day but over the course of the rest of the week). The 90 day probation period ended by the time I called in on that Thursday. But when I came in that Friday, and was taken into a conference room with my then supervisor and department manager, that October call-in was mentioned and I was informed that my services for the company would no longer be required, that I was, as of Thursday, terminated.

I should have expected it right? Should have known, should have seen it coming. But, honestly, I did not. Yes I knew I was on shaky ground. Yes I knew that the possibility of termination was there. But, in my infinite naivety, I thought that I’d be given a chance to explain my situation, illustrate the events that unfolded that day to lead to me calling in sick. I’d spent almost a year with these people and, in the case of the department manager, been a source of (in my eyes) strength, guidance, friendship and support while she struggled to manage her own personal life in the aftermath of her own divorce and attempt at rebuilding her life.

I’d also been a confidant.

I think that was the biggest mistake I made.

Now comes the part that all you conspiracy junkies will REALLY dig your teeth into. If you’ve come this far, hold tight boys and girls, because it’s about to get rocky.

Earlier I made mention of a phone conversation I had with a friend of mine on Saturday. We had a chance to catch up, laugh, etc. And then she made mention of something that had completely escaped me, something I should have seen from the beginning but did not. Why didn’t I see it? Well.....maybe because I’m too trusting, to willing to believe that people are what they present themselves to be. If someone presents themselves as my friend, I take it at face value. But what I forgot to think about is that, ultimately, most everyone is looking out for number 1. What I didn’t realize is that, while they had every justification for terminating me based upon my attendance, there might have been ulterior motives behind it. A reason for the unwillingness to go the extra mile for ‘a friend’ and find out WHY I called in that Thursday, if it was perhaps justified, if they’d be willing to work with me because of it.

You see.....I knew a secret. A BIG one. And because I knew this secret, I was perhaps viewed as more of a liability than ‘they’ were willing to tolerate. Even though up to this point I had given no signs of telling this secret, people were nervous, perhaps even scared. And maybe someday I would tell this secret. So they made sure all their I’s were dotted and t’s crossed, all their ducks were in a row. And I became another casualty on the list of people in the department that knew this secret. In addition to my friend revealing this to me, she also made me understand that more people than I thought knew this secret. And guess what. They are not there anymore either. Whether outright terminated, or pushed out of the department, slowly but surely, people in a position to do so are weeding out anyone and everyone who might threaten them because of the knowledge about one little thing.

What is this one little thing, you ask? Well.....since I’m not there anymore and since, in the 3 months since my termination, the parties involved have not even attempted to show their supposed friendship by even offering me the support of a ‘I’m here for you if you need me’ email, text message, or myspace blip, I have no bones about now sharing this secret.

It is, as it almost always is, about sex. And who is doing it with people they shouldn’t be doing it with. At least not in the context of the fact that one party is a department manager and the other party is......well......not. Yup.....that’s right. A romantic relationship developed between a manager and someone who reports directly to them. At the time it began of course this was not the case. The department manager was not at the time the department manager, just another supervisor, albeit a level higher, but still just a supervisor. But then the department manager got promoted, the other person got a promotion and a raise, and the department started to go in the shitter. Not in terms of production or quality of work mind you, but in terms of personal relations.

Crack-downs were made in the way that employees spent their free time, break time, even unpaid lunchtime. It was dictated who could and could not take lunch together, when breaks could and could not be taken and who could and could not take them together, etc. The noose was tightened. I have my own theories as to the purpose and motivations governing these actions. And of course I was not privy to the ‘management’ side of things so all I really have are my own opinions. But it’s my feeling that the department manager felt they had something to prove, be it to us, the peons, or to the ‘higher ups’ that put that person in the position they found themselves in. They found themselves on a patch of ice and attempted to correct, inadvertently overcorrected, and plowed smack into a tree.

So, dear readers (if you’re still with me) this is where I find myself today. Utterly crushed at the thought of the possibility of what was done to me in the name of self-preservation. And of course it can be denied, it can be attempted to be explained away. But after the countless hours I spent as an empty vessel filled to the brim with the outpouring of emotion that a certain someone needed to send my way, after the friendship I extended and the help I offered to get them through, to help and support them.....to get none of that back in return when I so obviously needed it, well that my friends tells me all I need to know.

Look out for number one, boys and girls. If you don’t.....you just wind up being someone else’s number two.

move along

Good Morning all and happy hollies! :D

Was your haul as good as mine? I think probably not :P Maybe not so much for quantity but for sure in terms of quality.

My wonderful, adorable (see previous post), lovely husband hit the jackpot this year, with the giving thing that is.

Gary (and I know I'm gonna embarrass him by saying this, sorry honey) is notorious for not trusting his own judgement where gift giving is concerned. If he doesn't have a road map to all your holiday wishes, he's convinced he won't be able to get what you want. The first or second Valentine's Day that we were together he bought me The Wedding Singer and Jerry Maguire. Perfect gifts for where we were in our relationship and it spoke volumes about the fact that he knew me well enough to know that I love movies and knew me well enough to know which movies I would love. And he did it with no coaching from me before hand. I came home and found a dozen dasies in a vase on the table and a bag in front of it with my prize possessions inside.

That was the last time that he has bought me anything without me first telling him what I wanted. This year I came up with the idea of skipping Christmas for each other and focusing on the people we needed to buy for. This was not a popular idea and was quickly nixed. And ever since, he's been repeating his holiday mantra of "I don't know what to get you. You have to tell me what you want." Well not this year bub. Oh no. This year, he would have to find his own way through the maze of Christmas Gift Giving and trust himself enough to be able to figure out what I would like.

Well ladies and gents, he did it. In spades. In the spirit of my new found addiction to World Of Warcraft, his Husband Armor took a +300 enchant while his 'I Will Get Laid This Christmas!' spell is more than likely to be uninterupted while casting. At longer ranges.

He got me a movie. That was an easy one. I'm a movie freak. But which movie to get? Faced with the plethora of choices available at Best Buy (can you say mental breakdown?) he zero'd in on the perfect title. The Lake House. I could go on and on about this movie. It's the best movie that I have seen in the longest time. One of those movies with the sappy happy ending that you really don't mind crying over and that you're secretly (or not so secretly as you yell at the tv in between sobs and kleenex grabs) hoping for. I started to tear up. Seriously.

And...diamond earrings. BooYa! Beeches!!

Oh and he got a PSP :P. I spent literally all day yesterday playing WOW and needless to say he was a bit pissy when he went to bed last night. I tucked him in (I know, awww) and then came back to the game and said to my guild, "My hubby's a lil pissy because I've been playing all day. I promised I wouldn't play tomorrow but I got him a psp for Christmas so I think it'll be ok."

Yah...it is lol

So, I bid you a fond farewell and a joyous day as I head off to WOWland while the psp sings and blips and whirrrs behind me.

Spousal Humiliation Rules!


So I'm about to thoroughly and unabashedly embarrass my husband but this picture is friggin excellent!!

I married well :P

I am about to be VERY venty...there are a bunch of you that have known me for the better part of a decade so you can handle it....

There are others of you that have only known me for about 6 months and work with me. If you think you will have trouble taking off your 'work' hats while reading this then please don't. I realize that is a futile request because, just like parental advisory stickers, now you HAVE to read...but you've been warned and cannot think any less of me if you decide to read on.

I spent almost the entire day yesterday sick as hell and on the toilet. I am emotionally, physically and mentally wiped out. I had been toying with the idea of making a post like this on Thursday when I got home from work but wanted to wait to see if the desire went away. After yesterday though, I am in no position to keep this shit in my head because it is making me even more tired than I already am.

So, this post is dedicated to all the fuckwits of this world who steal the air I breathe on a daily basis and just in general piss me off. Consider it my Christmas gift to the world. Exposing you in all your hapless, undeserved glory in the hopes that you will straighten yourselves up before the rest of us normal, rational people rise up and stab you many times about the head and neck with The Spork Of Humanity(tm). I am still, however, for the most part a decent person so, while YOU will know who you are (or should) I will not use any names at the risk of 'outing' you to the rest of the world before you are ready to come out of whatever closet it is you think you're hiding in.

Closet Inconsiderate Bus Rider People: Please, for the love of Christ, get a car, ride a bike, or pay for a fucking taxi. Because if one more of you fuckers sits on me, smacks my knee with your overloaded suitcase (who brings a fucking SUITCASE to work?!) because you're too busy to be observant of your surroundings, or bypasses the fat, black, or otherwise 'undesireable' person to make someone else uncomfortable I am seriously going to cock punch you.

Closet 'It Wasn't Me!' People: If you make a decision fucking take responsibility for that decision, be the outcome good or bad. Admit that you made a mistake if the end result is not quite what you were hoping for. Because honestly, it just makes you look like a shmuck when you appear to be the only one around who is not aware that the direction came from you. Saying 'Well, who said that?!' does not absolve you from responsibility when everyone around you knows damn good and well that it was YOU. Admitting that you are human and flawed (which btw we already know) does not make us think any less of you. On the contrary, it makes us see that, not only are you willing to step up to the plate, but that you'll be that much more likely to back the rest of us up if the time should ever come.

Closet 'ME ME ME!' People: Yes, we understand that everything must be about you. Yes, we get it that no matter the attention, be it positive or negative, you want it all to focus on you. But don't be a twat about it. If you KNOW that you have to leave early, if you know there is a possibility that you may need to be able to be free to move about the cabin, why for fuck's sake do you sit in the fucking corner?! If you KNOW that you have a problem with "small spaces", why would you put yourself in a position to possibly have a panic attack? So that you could make 5 other people have to get up? So that 5 other people would have to bend to your will? Yes, 2 of us made a mistake by sitting in the corner when we knew that we might have to get up...but we admitted that mistake, apologized for it, and only did it once. We saw that it was probably a bad choice and decided to sit in our own discomfort rather than inconvenience an entire table a second time by making them all get up. You, on the other hand, went into the situation knowing certain variables about yourself, those being that you had to be somewhere by a certain time and that you may have a problem being boxed in...yet you still chose to sit in the proverbial ass end of creation. Next time, write yourself a note to remind yourself not to be a drama whore and sit on the outside.

Closet 'I Am Perfect, I Did Nothing Wrong' People: Dude...we know you're a fuck up. Nobody is that perfect. Admitting you're flawed, admitting that you made a mistake in your relationship and that it wasn't totally the other person's fault does not make you less of a man. Being able to own up to your mistakes in actuality makes you MORE of a man. And for the love of Pete, be honest. Avoid months, if not years of animosity by just admitting that speaking to someone, having to see them, or deal with them is in fact painful for you. It would seem that everyone around you already knows this...does it really hurt that much to admit it to yourself? Because I can tell you right now, buddy...you're the ONLY one who doesn't know it. Don't be a dick. Just because the relationship didn't last doesn't mean you have to be a douche bag. I would say 'cock punch' but there is obviously not enough there to do that much damage...



Ok...ok I feel better now. Well...I feel a little better now...but be warned...if you know you're a scum bag but your particular type of scum did not appear in today's lesson, straighten up! Because it's only a matter of time before I get to you and everyone like you. And I know a lot of big words and do you really want to spend an hour reading about yourself but having to stop every 30 seconds to click on dictionary.com to see exactly how I am insulting you?

I’ve been holding off on writing about this because...well screw it. My husband is much more private than I am. The way I see it, I’ve spent the better part of my life hiding from any and everyone and thing. I don’t want to do it anymore and so for the most part I don’t. I write about what I want to write about and screw the consequences.

However, I know and understand that Gary is much more guarded about letting people in and letting anybody else know how and what he feels. So it’s for that reason that I haven’t written about this before. But then, last night, in his own words, he ‘exposed his soft underbelly’ so it’s open season as far as I’m concerned :P

I want a baby. I want a baby so bad that I’ve become one of those people you see in the movies and you can’t help but think to yourself, “There aren’t really people like that out there...are there?” I’ve been obsessing about it for the past 2 months. 2 months may not seem like a long time but think of it in terms of minutes, which is about how often I bring it up. My husband has in the past stated his position on the whole baby issue. Well, boys and girls, that just wasn’t good enough for me...

I’ve been very unfair to Gary in the last few weeks and I’m the first to admit that and will trip over myself apologizing for it (and believe me, I have). But I really can’t help it. I’m 34 years old. I’ll be 35 in just a 3 and a half months. My biological clock is not only ticking...it has jumped off the headboard and has been chasing me around the house, out the door, and down the street like the clock in that McDonald’s commercial. It mostly started when Gary’s sister got married and that whole mess with his kids took place.

It is my firm and unwavering belief that he got completely and thoroughly screwed by his ex when it came to being a father. He was not afforded the opportunity of participation in the decision making process and when the first baby finally arrived, she did a complete 180 on him and turned into the psychopath that we all know and loath today. One thing that I cannot understand about a certain segment of my fellow woman is that whole ‘I can change him’ mentality that they seem to have when choosing (or in this case capturing) a mate. If you are not happy with the person he is today, what makes you think you’ll be happy with the person he is tomorrow...or the person you FORCE him to be? It is one thing if the experience of being with you makes him WANT to change things, but to expect him to be molded like so much silly putty that you can squish onto the face of your Sunday Funnies so that he becomes a mirror image of you, or of the man you want him to be...well that is just ridiculous. She did not know him, did not care to find out about the things she didn’t know, and just expected him to be all the things she wanted him to be. When that didn’t happen, she ended their relationship.

Then the second baby came along and because he’s a stand up kinda guy (aww...tear) he tried to make it work a second time. But it was just more of the same and finally it was over for good. This is where the REAL screwing happened. She takes every opportunity afforded her to try and remind him that he’s a piece of shit, she uses the boys against him to try and make him feel guilty, and she manipulates them into thinking and feeling things that are obviously not coming directly from them.

Yes, I want a baby. But more than it just being ME that wants a baby, I want Gary to see how truly wonderful having a baby can be. How amazing the experience can be when 2 people who love each other, who KNOW each other and are happy with each other create something together. And I want him to see what a wonderful father that I already know that he is. Neither one of us was lucking enough to have a stable family unit growing up. Sure, we had Cleaveresque moments here and there but overall it wasn’t like that. I personally think that all the fear and doubt that he has about us having a child stems from not only his family life growing up, but the experience he was unfortunate enough to have when it was his turn to have his own family. He’s afraid that what happened with him and his ex will repeat with us. He’s not entirely convinced of it but there’s that little voice in his head, the same voice that’s in all of our heads that we give way more weight to than is warranted, that is babbling incessantly in an attempt to scare the bejesus out of him. Sure, he’s worried about all the other “normal” stuff...money, day care, money, raising it right, money, home and car, money....you know...(money)...real stuff. But honestly, if everybody thought about that stuff before they had kids, the human race would die out because nobody would ever reproduce.

I think, after his post yesterday and our subsequent conversation this morning, that we’ve reached a sort of understanding about the whole thing and we’re just gonna “see what happens”...not TRY to have a kid so much as stop trying NOT to.

And a little good flowing mojo never hurt anybody so if you’re reading and are so inclined, say a little prayer that he’s got strong swimmers and that when one of them comes-a-knockin’ my egg isn’t on the crapper and answers the door...

Yesterday we celebrated Thanksgiving over at my mother-in-law’s house. What can I say...our family is slow. Seriously though, in order to get everybody together, we couldn’t do it on Thursday and I had to work Friday so we decided to file over to my MIL’s house yesterday, cook the turkey (and fixin’s) and eat when she got home from work.

I missed Thanksgiving last year because I was only about a month out from my surgery. I suppose I could have gone but I still couldn’t really eat anything and what I could eat I didn’t want to eat in front of other people. I’m still sort of like that. Plus, sitting up for any length of time was still really painful so Gary went and brought back some stuffing and potatoes for me. This year was more of the same but at least I got to go. And because of my new found sense of...self?...I was also determined to get pictures this year. I’ve never been fond of having my picture taken but I’m not nearly as embarrassed or ashamed of myself as I used to be so I decided I was going to start capturing my life on film like all the normal people do. This was the third family get together that I’ve done this with...the first being Valley Fair in June (which I posted about including pictures and no I’m not posting a link you lazy asses can look in my archives), and the second was my SIL’s wedding which I still haven’t seen the pictures from but I hope they look ok.

Gary dropped me off around 1:30 so I could get good old Tommy prepped and in the oven. His sister got there a short time later and the Thanksgiving merriment was well on its way. By that I mean that her husband also took off for awhile so Lynn and I sat at the kitchen table and dished about our husbands and respective in-laws (which is hard seeing as she *is* my ‘in-laws’ aheh) and just had fun talking.

Gary and the kids showed up about 5 or so and then his mom came home from work around 6....

When they were very little, it was Alex that was the ham in front of the camera but of late, Ryan has been taking on that duty. He’s making a pouty face in this one but you can’t really tell...



Alex is going to be 14 in a couple of weeks and is now taller than his gramma and I think his voice dropped another octave since last weekend...




My mother-in-law...keepin’ the smokin’ dream alive...





No, mom...I’m not stoned...




Lynn and I have gotten really close over the last year and I’m glad because not only is she a really cool and sweet person but she’s a professional make-up artist and hair stylist and I got her on the way up...booya bitches!




Gary had to make a special trip back after picking up the boys because I forgot the camera and the crackers for my dip...he only bitched a little...*coughlikealittlegirlcough*




Turkey?? Did someone say turkey?!





Lynn was in charge of potatoes and gravy, two of the cornerstones of any successful Thanksgiving meal. She did an awesome job! And she can baste a bird like nobody’s business...her husband is one lucky fella...




For whatever reason, my mother-in-laws dog has something against the oven and whenever you try to open it she tries to attack it. Someone has to hold her back and she barks and half growls and just generally goes ape shit until you close it again. Then she runs over and bites the side.

Don’t open that!!!!!!! Are you crazy!? You’ll kill us all!!!




I was in charge of the turkey, stuffing and rice...I’m about to baste...does someone have the dog?!




We were supposed to eat around 6 but didn’t end up sitting down to dinner until around 7 or 7:30...and even then the turkey didn’t get done all the way...we’ll be nuking leftovers.

I think the dog is hungry...somebody watch her. We don’t want a repeat of the Bumpus hounds!!




Oh my god I need a break!



So yah, it was a pretty good day. I meant to get a picture of all the food on the table before everybody dug in but we were all too hungry...it didn’t last long. And I did get pictures of Lynn's husband Scot but I took them from the kitchen looking into the living room so they didn't come out. They're all dark and you can't see anything...sorry Scot :(

So I thought today would be a good day...one year, 3 weeks


Front...



Side...

You can see the highlights better in this one...

Yes...that’s right. I’m coming out of the closet. No, not the Gay Closet ™...the FAT Closet.

Fat people are notorious for hiding. Hiding from ourselves, from other people, from the public in general. We hide from life. I’ve spent a good chunk of my life hiding, in one way or another. I hid inside myself, inside my clothes, behind books and movies. Then finally, a little over a year ago, my closet door was opened. I took awhile to come out of it...spent most of the first few months just peering out at the bright light that poured in. Then slowly I stuck my head out, looked around and decided that Out There™ was where I wanted to be.

I started taking better care of myself, buying nice(r) clothes, doing my makeup, caring about the way I looked. I realized finally that I’m no longer ashamed of myself or my body (ok, well I’m still a little bit ashamed of that...fucking skin) and I figured out that I *want* people to see me. I want to have attention paid to me.

On Friday I also came to realize that there was one final thing that I was still using as a shield, another way to hide from the world...

Hair. So many times we hide behind our hair and I’ve spent way so long in the same “style” that I can’t remember the last time I did something truly different. Sure, I’ve gotten a couple perms, done the color thing, but it was still basically the same and it was still a crutch I was using to hide.

My wonderfully talented sister-in-law helped me take that last step out of The Fat Closet and close the door firmly behind me today. And I’ve purposely posted just a link so that all you read the last page of the book people couldn’t skip ahead and spoil the ending.

So, without further adieu....

clicky the linky